Over the past five years, my health has declined. I’m only 53 years young, but I feel thirty years older! I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly what is declining, other than constant fatigue, stress, and worry. As a solo mama, I live in constant fear of being on the edge of ruin. I work so hard, but I still live paycheck-to-paycheck. I’m angry a lot. Impatient and grumpy, a lot! I’m not slowing down to enjoy the last few years of my son’s youth.
There were some things happening in my life 4-5 years ago, much of which I’m not yet ready to write about, but those years took a heavy, heavy toll. Not just on my emotional and physical well-being, but on my ability to be the mom my son deserves…the mom I deserve to be! My journey to becoming a mom was wrought with suffering and heartache, so becoming a mom was the greatest gift, but lately, I’ve treated being a mom like a second-hand store, where unwanted items go to collect dust and hope to be given a second chance.
I’ve been blaming my body, with its extra rolls and achy joints, accusing it of betraying me. But, I realized this morning that it is me who is betraying my body. I don’t take care of her. I work her to the ground and then expect even more out of her. I shame her! I blame her! I curse her! And, yet, she is the one thing that has been my constant companion through the years.
I use work and motherhood and my “role as a victim” as an excuse to turn away from my body and, in essence, myself. I started this blog to hold me accountable for carving out time to write and reflect and heal, but even this takes a back seat to work and motherhood and “being a victim”.
I told myself when I started this blog, which is actually the 6th or 7th iteration of trying to maintain a blog, that I would post regularly and vulnerably. This is a place for me to show my ugly, shine a lot on the darkness, and begin to heal.
I’m going to STOP blaming my body! I’m going to use the 8 + 8 + 8 Nordic rule: 8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of free time, and 8 hours of work! I try to get my full 8 hours of sleep, but I am horrible at balancing the other 16 hours! I spend an inordinate amount of time working, not just my career work, but house work and yard work and solo mama work. So, this is going to be the area I focus on the most: honoring more me free time!