I owe upwards of $200,000 across multiple credit cards, an auto loan, and my student loans!
This is my greatest shame! I hide this fact! I avoid this fact! But, it’s always there lingering in the back of my mind and heavy in my heart: taunting me, shaming me, terrifying me.
I’ve been following along with the Tapping World Summit, hosted by the siblings behind the Tapping Solution app, and today’s theme is “Prosperity Unleashed”. Engaging in the first session, “Manifesting More Money”, with Margaret Lynch Raniere, I reflected and tapped on the reasons I may be struggling with money.
Before I get into my epiphanies, I haven’t always struggled with money. My relationship with money can certainly be described as a ride on a roller coaster, but there have been periods in my life when I did enjoy financial abundance. My most recent decline into financial ruin and instability began when I gave birth to my son. It’s most definitely not his fault that I have been struggling financially, because he has brought me the type of wealth that money cannot buy!
However, through this session and the tapping rounds, I believe I have uncovered the source of my financial struggles, which does tie into me being a solo mama.
The first thing that hit me hard, while listening to this session, was Margaret Raniere’s question: “What do you truly believe about your own worth?” My mind immediately went to a dark place, because I have a very low sense of self worth. And, in that single moment, I realized that my relationship with and beliefs about money are inextricably tied to my low self worth.
When I feel stress, shame, and anxiety around my finances, I am actually feeling stress, shame, and anxiety about my own worth. These negative feelings toward my finances are depressive and often cause reactions of fight, flight, or freeze. Something Margaret’s session helped me conceptualize is that I cannot solve this enormously looming problem around my financial struggles when I am my weakest!
Margaret then had us reflect on something about our finances that is a source of anxiety, of which I have many – exorbitant debt, dwindling income, nonexistent savings. I chose my $200,000+ debt! As I reflected on this debt, I felt like a failure. I felt flawed and worthless! I felt as empty as my saving’s account. And then, it hit me-my financial situation makes me feel UNSAFE!
Maybe I have always felt unsafe?
And, this was my epiphanonic moment (Epiphanonic is a word I made up during my doctoral work ;-).
This epiphany brought a flood of memories and moments that have contributed to my feelings of being unsafe, going all the way back to my childhood. Could it be that I am so intimate with feeling vulnerable (mostly at the hands of those who should have been a safe space) that I continue to manifest this feeling through my finances?
I’ve eliminated men from my life! I’ve distanced myself, first physically and now emotionally, from much of my family. I’ve even pruned away friendships…maybe hacked away at friendships is a more appropriate description. After 7 years of moving six times, I have managed to provide one (rented) home for my son for the past 8 years. So, after eliminating all other areas of vulnerability, maybe my finances is the only place where I can still sit with this fear that has been a constant companion in my life.
As we tapped through three rounds, I also realized that I fear the attention that being financially abundant, successful, and prosperous will bring. I don’t want anyone’s attention. I want to be left alone to raise my son and live my life. But, so much has happened over the past 15 years that has left me fearful.