Precipice of Adulthood:
Too nervous to enjoy our first kiss, not remembering our last
Standing at the bottom of the stage steps, nervously waiting for my name to be called
Reminding myself that I earned this and to cherish the moment
Standing on the precipice of adulthood, or so we thought, as we walk off the stage, diplomas in hand
Thinking life was finally about to start, not realizing the price would be losing another life
If I knew then what I know now, I don’t know that I would have jumped into the abyss we call adulthood
Maybe, I would have stood still, frozen in time with him
He’s been my constant compass to a place that no longer exists
Leaving me to never settle, never feel a sense of belonging
Always wondering, “What if?”
What if he had lived, and we had built a life together?
What if I never had to subject myself to years of objectifying my body,
Selling myself for love and validation?
He never once made me feel like my value laid in my sexuality,
Or what I could do for him.
How I could satisfy him.
Around him, to him, I was enough.
Maybe I would have loved myself more.
Maybe I would have been more confident and less angry,
Less volatile and more patient.
Maybe I would have been the mom I wanted to be for my son.
But, I probably wouldn’t have my son if Tom hadn’t died on the precipice of adulthood
He lived before the internet
Before everything was captured online,
So, sometimes, I wonder if he’s being erased from this world completely
What evidence do I have left of his existence?
My memory?
I don’t trust my mind as much these days.
Now, at 55 and on the precipice of my “golden years”,
I wonder if I will look back on this time and feel the same nostalgia