I used to feel strongly connected to the divine; not in the sense of religion or god, but in the sense that I had faith in something larger than myself. I had faith that things would be okay, and that everything I experienced was leading me to something better.
Then, I became a solo mama and the struggles of being responsible, not just for myself, but for my son, began to darken my faith. It’s not that becoming a mom turned me away from faith in the divine; it was the stress of doing it all on my own. It started with minor struggles, like not being able to pay my bills on time or move us into our own house. Then, it moved into larger, more stressful struggles, like having to move my son 7 times by the time he was 7 years old and experiencing repeated car troubles.
Then, as my mom and step-dad aged, family issues surfaced, and I could no longer turn to them for help. Even though I had only turned to family as a last resort, not having that safety net took a huge toll on me, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I keep thinking, “If I just get to a place of financial security, I’ll have the capacity to reconnect with my spirituality”. But, fuck, if shit doesn’t keep happening.
As I write this post, I am currently without my vehicle…again! Just a few months ago, I traded in my Ford Escape, which was paid off, for a (new-to-me) used Explorer, taking on a $400 a month car payment. A car payment I could not afford, but I needed a “reliable” vehicle for my son and me. I say “reliable” because I have already put $500 into this vehicle for a new battery, new air filter, and something to do with the sunroof drains. I say “reliable” because it is back at the Ford dealership, has been for four days! The worst part, I still don’t know if the repair will be covered under my extended warranty. And, if it isn’t, I do not have the money to pay! Once again, I’m at a place where I cannot see a way out.
On top of my financial struggles, car problems have been at the top of the list of regular stressors in my life over the last five years. I probably should write down all the problems I’ve had, maybe it will be cathartic, but I won’t do that here. Suffice it to say, the amount of problems I have had is asinine!
So, having had a few meltdowns, a couple in front of my son, I finally, out of desperation, turned to my tapping meditation app. It’s kind of like god is those who are weekend believers…I only turn to tapping when I’m literally on the edge! I need to make it a daily practice again, but, again, I’m so beat down and disillusioned, I don’t have the capacity or the energy for my spiritual practices.
Anyway, I started a 6-day tapping challenge in The Tapping Solution app, and it’s, honest-to-god, the only thing keeping me going. So, I thought it might help for me to reflect on the daily sessions.
The challenge is “Inner Peace and Power” with Iyanla Vanzant. So far, I’ve gotten through day 3:
Day 1: I am Truth
- Iyanla used a time analogy to distinguish between fact and truth: If you ask some what time it is in New York, and they say 9 pm, that is a fact; however, it’s not true for those of us in California, as it would be 6 pm here. I’m not sure why that analogy hit so hard, but it did. So simple, and yet not!
- I’m also not quite sure how this fact versus truth distinction relates to my life, and the current stressors, because it is both fact and truth that I don’t have my vehicle, and I don’t have the money to pay for the repairs, but I am excited to explore this potential.
- Fact: I am struggling financially.
- Truth: I have enjoyed financial abundance in the past and can again!
- Fact: My vehicle is in “the shop”, and I don’t know for how long.
- Truth: Not sure what the truth is here!
- Fact: I live, every day, with the guilt of having been so stressed as a solo mama that I’ve screamed and yelled at my son from a very young age 🙁
- Truth: I’ve also shown him great love and empathy.
Day 2: I am Trust
- As Iyanla went through her prompts and questions, I answered yes to all of them:
- Have I been disappointed? Yes
- Have I been hurt? Uh huh
- Have I been lied to? Yep
- Have I been betrayed? YES
- Am I distrustful of others? Yes
- Am I distrustful of myself? Yes
- I think this last one is the one that unleashed the ugly cryer in me. How have I gotten to the point where I don’t even trust myself? I know why I don’t trust other people, why I WON’T trust other people, but how can I not be vulnerable with myself?
- Some closing sentiments from Iyanla really helped:
- “When we step away from trust, we land in worry”
- Trust is knowing I am being guided by the divine, and I will be okay. This is what I’m trying to get back to.
Day 3: I am Power
- Something shifted in my during this session; changed my perspective on power!
- All my life, I’ve believed power equates with physical strength and financial wealth, both of which can, and are regularly, weaponized. Because I haven’t had either of these most of my life, I have, for the most part, felt powerless!
- To help heal this wound, Iyanla suggests we write our power story. As with my car problems, that will be for a different, more personal medium, but just thinking about my power story has, in an inexplicable way, empowered me.
At the end of the day, though, it isn’t about being strong or powering through, because I’ve done that! I’ve powered through my whole fucking life and, quite honestly, I’m tired of being strong; of weathering the storms; of putting my “big boy pants” on! At the end of the day, it’s about being vulnerable. And, right now, being vulnerable is not safe.